In the Pixar film Inside Out, Joy does her best to keep her girl Riley happy all the time, before finally realising that “negative” emotions Anger, Fear, Disgust and Sadness also have their place in her psyche.
In much the same way, while many Singaporean parents tend to make decisions for their children and shield them from failure, they’re really acting like helicopter parents and running the risk of their children suffering from less self-discipline, over-reliance, poor self-esteem, and even anxiety and depression (not to mention contributing to the 5,000 strong teacher exodus over the last five years).
Rather than placing blame, here are five signs that helicopter parenting is at work, and what the heli-parented can do to discover their independence.
1) You call mom and dad before making a decision
Hold the phone – While it was natural for your parents to make decisions for you when you were small, once you became able to decide for yourself, asking Mom and Dad just takes away your opportunity to become a better decision-maker. Instead, bear with the discomfort and think carefully what you’d like to do – even if you make a bad decision, you can learn from it and build experience.
2) Your parents are your best friends
Befriend more peers – Close family ties are wonderful, but they should not preclude peer relationships which can be sources of support and social life. Plus as you’re going to be an adult, you’ll need to make your own family. Reach beyond your comfortable relationships to reconnect with old friends, meet new ones at interest groups (or Tinder, depending on the purpose), or even arrange to meet up with your online buddies face-to-face.
3) You resent your parents for their support
Take charge – Economic times are hard, so more dependence on parental support is natural. However, does the support come with expectations about how to make your minor life choices (eg. which clothes, diet to choose)? Also, is the help provided really something you cannot do for yourself? Rather than feel resentful, take steps to sensibly grow up, try new things (help out with chores around the house, perhaps) and take risks.
4) You feel constant anxiety
Exercise – Being hovered over can make you feel vulnerable without it, leading to undue worry. One remedy to this is exercise. Simply accomplishing training goals can raise your confidence, plus the activity can distract you from negative thoughts. Getting you out and about will give you more chances to socialise as well.
5) You are a perfectionist and fixated on the paper chase
Follow your heart – It makes sense to gather useful credentials in a challenging economy, but focusing too hard on them can lead you to forgo choices that actually make you happy (for instance, chasing a career in law when your real love is fashion). Instead of following a set path towards success usually suggested by your parents, why not do something that interests you, from learning a new fun skill to chasing a career that better matches your personality and passion?
Ultimately much “helicoptering” arises from natural parental instincts: anxiety over your future, overreaction to your failures (just because they’re parents), guilt (“If i’m not hovering like the others, am I being a bad parent?”) or overcompensation for love or attention they lacked in their own childhood, so we shouldn’t judge our folks too harshly.
Instead parents and children should take a long objective look at the facts, scale back the hovering, and even have a laugh at this common parental foible.
By Vincent Tan
