by Vincent Tan
Complaining is practically our national sport – far more than swimming or soccer, everyone does it, and pretty well too. However, there are things even masters can learn – and that is how to whine and make change happen.
How do you do that? By following* these three angry sounding principles: a) What’s my point? b) Where’s my facts? c) Why in the world am I complaining?
* Of course executing them will require calm.
Types of complaints
Firstly we should separate the two kinds of complaining: expressive and instrumental complaining. Expressive complaining helps you let off steam, and can help people in a similar frustrating situation bond by griping. However it can also go overboard, becoming a concentrated negative atmosphere that makes all the world seem out to get you.
Instrumental complaining however, is complaining to get things done, with a focus on solving a problem. It is a complaining style that comes more naturally to people with higher self confidence, perhaps because they are more confident that their complaining can bring about change. A test of 410 university students found that those who scored higher in terms of mindfulness (openness to new perspectives) and happiness, were more likely to complain with the goal of problem solving, than those who didn’t.
Even if it doesn’t come so naturally, the significant psychological benefits of complaining and actually seeing change, can motivate all of us to learn to do it well.
Some tips to doing it well
Have a goal
Get to the point quickly, use facts to make your case, and present it to the right person at the right time, with a goal in mind. For example, if you’re annoyed by another MRT breakdown, be clear about what you want (eg. an apology, suggestion to introduce more shuttle buses, better staff training, informing the public more promptly, better response time). With those in mind, you can better choose the right person (station master) and the right time (after staff have finished directing trapped crowds) to voice your dissatisfaction.
Write it down
Too often the angry words just come in a tangle of emotion. Writing down your complaint actually helps your emotions settle, so your thoughts can become calmer and your case clearer. It’ll help improve our constructive complaining power by helping us tell if we’re starting a expressive or instrumental complaint, whether the issue is large or actually small, and give us ideas on who to approach for solutions.
Stay Positive
One helpful tool you can use is humour, especially when it’s directed at yourself – and you can actually say a lot with a joke. For instance if your food still hasn’t come to the table yet, you can joke self-deprecatingly your stomach growling. Of course, beware not to sound sarcastic (hence self-deprecating is a safe play), otherwise it will have the opposite effect.
Watch for cues
Lastly be aware of how the other person is responding. Along the way they might have offered advice or help that is well-intended but not what you actually want. Look out for tell-tale signs that you might be rejecting goodwill, such as crossed arms, or drifting eye contact. That might be a hint that you need to pause your complaint and listen more on your end (because now they might have a complaint of their own!)
Keep Calm, Complain On
It’s no use just blindly ‘acting angry’ because that may shut people’s ears plus land you in bigger trouble. Like if you are trying to complain about a parking auntie while your car is 1 minute late (aiya, come on lah!), coming off as angry or irritated rubs everyone the wrong way. While it might solve a short term issue (ie. a food bill getting paid), in the long run it leaves a negative impact on the server and customers around you.
The best complainers can tap into the goodwill of people, even as they raise up legitimate complaints, meaning they have power to spot problems and bring people together to solve them. And with that mindset we can make our “complaint culture” something to actually be proud of. Majulah!
